Dont Make Me Break Your Arms Again Young Man!

Love songs are where we get our passion, our soul — and most of our worst ideas.

Nothing good can come of this. Photograph by Achim Voss/Flickr.

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Throughout man history, oceans accept been crossed, mountains accept been scaled, and groovy families take blossomed — all because of a few simple chords and a melody that inflamed a heart and propelled it on a noble, romantic mission.

On the other paw, that fourth dimension you told that girl yous just started seeing that y'all would "catch a grenade" for her? You lot did that considering of a love song. And it wasn't exactly a coincidence that she suddenly decided to "lose your number" and move back to Milwaukee to "effigy some stuff out."

"It's just, my mom. You know? And L.A. is so hot in the summer. And yeah, my mom." Photo via iStock.

That time you held that boom box over your head outside your ex's house? Y'all did that because of a beloved vocal. And l hours of community service later on, you're all the same non dorsum together.

Love songs are great. They make our hearts vanquish faster. They inspire us to take risks and put our feelings on the line. And they give usa terrible, terrible ideas nigh how actual, real-life human relationships should piece of work.

They're amazing. And so astonishing. And also terrible.

Hither are six love songs that sound romantic merely aren't, and one song that doesn't sound romantic but totally is:

one. "God Only Knows," by The Embankment Boys

You can go on your "Surfin' Safaris," your "I Go Arounds," and your "Help me Rhondas."

When information technology comes to The Embankment Boys, "God Only Knows" is where it's at. A lush garden of soft horns and informal melody. A necktie-dye swirl of sound. A landscape of haunted innocence with some of the well-nigh heartrending lyrics ever committed to the back of a surfboard.

Youth! Youth! Youth! Photo past Hulton Archive/Getty Images.

Here's why it sounds romantic:

I may not always love you

But long as there are stars higher up y'all

You never need to doubt it

I'll make you then certain nearly it

God but knows what I'd be without yous

If you're traipsing through a meadow in a sundress with your love and not playing "God Just Knows" on your iPod, you should really stop and showtime over.

If you're lazily bumping a beach brawl over a volleyball net and "God Only Knows" isn't playing somewhere in the dorsum of your listen, you demand to rethink the choices that got you to this indicate.

If you're a video editor compiling footage of grainy hippies frolicking in the mud and you're not underscoring it with the opening chords of "God Merely Knows," you lot are doing it wrong.

Hippies, likely on their way to a mud frolic. Photo by Colin Davey/Getty Images.

It'south a song that just feels like love. Pure love. Young dearest. Dearest with a chill, kelp-y vibe.

What could be incorrect with that?

Here's why it's actually actually, really unromantic:

At that place'southward cipher wrong with loving someone. Sending them flowers. Leaving over-the-elevation notes in their P.O. boxes. Stroking their pilus equally they fall asleep while you lot whisper the complete works of Nicholas Sparks into their ear.

"Miles Ryan stood on the back porch of his firm, smoking a cigarette..." Photograph by hatchettebookgroup.biz.

Merely in that location is such a matter equally loving someone a skosh likewise much.

If you should ever exit me

Though life would all the same go on believe me

The world could show nothing to me

Then what skilful would living exercise me?

Look, I get it. Breakups suck. There's no getting around that. But good God.

There's a huge divergence between maxim: "Hey baby, you are my first and foremost everything and I'll be bummed if you go." And saying: "Welp, you lot accepted that task in Seattle, so I'm just gonna chug a agglomeration of nightshade and telephone call it a life."

Merely that's pretty much the gist here. Which makes this line...

God merely knows what I'd be without you lot

...horror-moving-picture show creepy. Considering the answer, apparently, is: "I'd be a corpse!"

Ah well. We had a good run. Photograph via iStock.

That's not love. That's codependency (to put information technology mildly). Oh, and hey! Threatening to impale yourself if your partner leaves isn't loving. It's a form of emotional abuse.

Investing all your happiness and sense of self-worth in any relationship — one that, by definition, might ane day end — is putting a lot of eggs in one basket. Sure, God may merely know what y'all'd be without her, but God probably also hopes you have, I don't know, some hobbies. Have a yoga class. Google some woodworking videos. Try kite surfing.

"Yeah! Hell yeah! What was her proper name over again?" Photograph past Jim Semlor/Federal Highway Assistants.

Ane person cannot be anyone's be-all and finish-all. It's too stressful. And it prevents you lot from doing you, which is a thing that'due south gotta be done before you can exercise annihilation else.

No wonder she took that job in Seattle.

2. "Treasure," by Bruno Mars

Sure, it's a blatant rip off of every Michael Jackson song y'all've e'er heard. But, we don't have Michael Jackson anymore, and as tribute acts get, yous could exercise a lot worse than Bruno Mars.

Look at that face. That face! Photograph past Brothers Le/Flickr.

Hither's why the song sounds romantic:

Treasure, that is what you are

Honey, yous're my golden star

You know y'all can make my wish come true

If y'all let me treasure you

If y'all let me treasure yous

Pass those lyrics to anyone on a used napkin at an 8th-course make-out political party and yous'll likely go an instant price pass on the highway to tongue-town (ew).

Pass them to your spouse and, chances are, date dark is going to culminate in 47 minutes of chaste-all the same-passionate frenching.

Pass them to a cop who pulls you over for running a cease sign, and they will remember you're weird — but probably withal make out with you.

In fact, Bruno Mars basically has a lifetime laissez passer to make out with America because of this vocal.

This is what happens when you write "Treasure" and yous're on stage with Michelle Obama. Photo by Mandel Ngan/Getty Images.

And I'yard OK with that.

Simply, here'southward why "Treasure" isn't every bit romantic every bit it seems:

Everything about "Treasure" is retro. Everything.

Including its attitudes almost gender.

"Children, accept I ever told y'all what I shouted at your mother on the street the showtime fourth dimension we met?" Photo by Jacobsen/Getty Images.

Things commencement to go south correct from the very beginning:

Give me your, give me your, requite me your attending, babe

I gotta tell you a piddling something almost yourself

Ah yeah. Zippo screams "respect" quite like a man lecturing a foreign woman on the street about something she "doesn't know about herself."

What could it exist? Could information technology be that her jokes are funny? Could it be that she's got something in her teeth? Could information technology exist that her nonfiction book well-nigh early on modern German history is extremely detailed and informative?

"Thank you for teaching me all almost Martin Luther's bible!" Photo by Torsten Schleese/Wikimedia Eatables.

Spoiler Alarm: It'southward none of those.

Yous're wonderful, flawless, ooh, y'all're a sexy lady

But y'all walk around here like y'all wanna exist someone else

Oh. Information technology'due south that she's sexy. Cool, bro. Very original.

Discussion of advice? Regardless of how she's walking, the lady knows she's sexy. Fifty-fifty if she doesn't, information technology really doesn't impact her day-to-day and then much that yous, a complete stranger, need to shout it at her (even over a funky disco snare).

Then what if she does want to be someone else? I'd love to exist someone else! I think existence Ryan Gosling would be quite nice. A good way to spend a iii-mean solar day weekend.

Sure, there'd be an adjustment period... Photo by Eamonn M. McCormack/Getty Images.

And then later, of course, the narrator tin't assist himself:

Pretty girl, pretty girl, pretty girl, you should be grin

A daughter like you lot should never wait so bluish.

He respects her and then much, he's actually direct-up telling her to smile! Much like Mars' grapheme "Uptown Funk," who appears to go off on angrily exhorting girls to "hit [their] hallelujah." Which, you know, I guess everybody's got a thing.

Yes, in the globe of "Treasure," a healthy relationship is an unending stream of a human being complimenting a strange adult female and said adult female being and so totally flattered that she immediately dispenses "the sex."

He then proceeds to talk to his potential lover like the world'south creepiest pirate:

You are my treasure, you are my treasure

You lot are my treasure, yes, you, you, you lot, you are

You are my treasure, you are my treasure

You are my treasure, yeah, you, yous, you, you are

By this point, in his mind, she'due south a literal affair. An object. Which is fitting.

I suppose it could exist worse, though. At to the lowest degree she's not just any affair.

GIF from "The Two Towers."

That'due south ... something, correct?

3. "Don't Think Twice, It's All Right," by Bob Dylan

For equally long as humans have been dating each other, humans accept been breaking up with each other. And "Don't Think Twice" is a portrait of a relationship going downward in flames. Glorious, poetic, acoustic flames.

Bob Dylan, a guy who is skillful at writing songs that a lot of people like. Photo by William Lovelace/Getty Images.

Here's why it sounds romantic:

Well, it ain't no use to sit down and wonder why, babe

Even you don't know past now

And it ain't no employ to sit and wonder why, babe

It'll never do somehow

When your rooster crows at the break of dawn

Look out your window, and I'll be gone

You're the reason I'thou a-traveling on

But don't remember twice, it's all right.

Nail. Strummed on out of that friends-with-benefits situation like whoa.

"Don't Call back Twice" is a raw vocal. An honest song. A powerful song. Information technology'southward the song your older sister played on continuous loop for six months after her boyfriend left for college. The song that convinced your Aunt Roslyn to get out her banking concern-teller chore, load her four Australian shepherds into the van, and open a wind chime store in Mendocino. The song your friend's cool dad always wants to play when he invited your high school band over to his apartment to jam.

"What timbre are yous looking for?" Photograph by Sharon Ang/Pixabay.

Sure, it's most the end of a relationship, but information technology sounds romantic. And at the end of the day, shouldn't that be enough?

Here's why information technology'south actually sooooo messed up:

Relationships cease. For a lot of reasons. And while there is no correct way to telephone call it quits with someone, when the dust settles, both parties can certainly benefit from a hard, honest give-and-take about what went incorrect.

Information technology'due south not me, Joan. It's you lot. 100% y'all. Photograph by Rowland Scherman/Getty Images.

In "Don't Think Twice," that discussion basically boils down to: "It's your fault."

Let's review the reasons the dude in "Don't Recall Twice" is splitting with his lady friend:

I gave her my heart, but she wanted my soul

Ugh, women, right? You lot're all like, "Baby, I just accept so much unspecified love to give," and she'southward like, "Have out the trash!" And y'all're like, "But baaaaaaabe, shouldn't my heart exist enough?" And she's like, "No, seriously. I already did the laundry, cleaned the whole house, fed the domestic dog, did the dishes, and made both of our lunches for the week. All I need you lot to exercise is have out the trash." And yous're similar, "You're bumming me out. I'k gonna go play guitar." And then she gets all mad! What did yous do? Why is she trying to modify you? UGH!

You could take washed better, only I don't mind

Yes. Yous exercise mind! Yous listen! You wrote a song well-nigh it, you lot passive-aggressive prick.

You just kinda wasted my precious time

Ah yes. Your time is and then precious! Think most all the hours yous wasted plumbing the ocean-deep, ecstatic mysteries of human partnership when you could have been futzing around with that home-brew kit.

Yes, this was worth it. Photograph by Bill Bradford/Flickr.

The minute y'all start breaking it down, the message of "Don't Think Twice" suddenly starts to seem a lot less romantic. Like your sis's ex-boyfriend, who worked at the Bass Pro Shop in town for a while and now might be in jail. Like your aunt's air current chinkle store, which would have closed forever ago had she non received that inheritance from her mom in the '80s. Similar your friend'south cool dad, who wasn't exactly, technically, paying child back up.

"Yous kids want a beer? No i's under 13, right?" Photo via iStock.

Oh yeah, and the vocal's narrator besides point-blank refers woman he's leaving as:

A child, I'g told

That'south right. In addition to beingness a run-of-the-manufactory passive-aggressive jerk — turns out, he'south likewise perhaps a pedophile.

Even if we are to take that this is a metaphor and she's not actually a child — which there's no indication information technology is, but OK, Bob Dylan — the fact that Commitmentphobe Gunderson here would willingly choose an immature partner reflects style more poorly on him than information technology does on her.

Breaking up with anyone in such a brutal, dismissive way is a recipe for sticking them with years of therapy bills.

Which, I suppose, may be the point.

four. "Leaving on a Jet Plane," by John Denver

Who has two thumbs and wrote a bloodshot folk song about hurtling through the stratosphere in a giant aluminum tube at 600 miles per hour?

This guy. Photo by Hughes Television Network/Wikimedia Eatables.

Here's why it sounds romantic:

"Leaving on a Jet Airplane" is a lovely song. And impressive in its loveliness because jet planes were still kind of new at the time it was written.

'Cause I'm leavin' on a jet airplane

To a modern ear, this would be sort of like singing, "I'm a scoooting abroad on my hoverboooooard," only in a way that's somehow notwithstanding folksy and heartbreaking and singable by 9-twelvemonth-olds at summer camp. Not easy to do!

Oh babe, I hate to go

Y'all see — he hates to become! He just hates information technology! We know this, because he tells u.s.a. he hates it. And why would he hate to go if he didn't beloved his partner just that much?

Meet ya! Photograph by Altair78/Wikimedia Eatables.

Why indeed?

Here'southward why information technology's actually not that romantic at all:

All the plaintive guitar, loping bass line, and twangy, melancholy warbling in the world can simply distract so much from the fact that the song'southward main grapheme is well, kind of a jerkweed.

And in reality — surprise surprise! — it doesn't really seem similar he hates existence away all that much:

There'southward so many times I've let you lot down

And so many times I've played around

I tell you lot at present, they don't mean a thing

"Babe, I hope! All the movies I watched solitary while you were home nursing the quadruplets. All the times I drained our life savings on Zoo Zillionaire. All the random sex I had with other women. Totally meaningless. Certainly fun to do! Really fun. Like, I had a fantastic time. Simply balance assured — completely empty, in an ontological sense."

"Every bit empty as this bed I merely finished having sex activity with someone else in." Photo via iStock.

Yep, when you pause it downwardly, "Leaving on a Jet Airplane," is less of a passionate tribute to love overcoming distance and more the deluded ramblings of a guy who needs to convince himself he'south "good" despite all bear witness to the contrary.

And for all he claims to be broken up almost having to office from his ane and only, the dude seems pretty excited near the flight. Oh, yous're leaving on a jet airplane, are y'all? Are you Zone i? Gonna humblebrag on Twitter about the "terrible" Cibo express salad you were forced to choke downwardly as you sabbatum waiting to embark on your fun, mysterious risk?

"Life so hard @ LGA #missingmybabe." Photo by Gesalbte/Wikimedia Commons.

He continues:

Ev'ry identify I go, I'll think of you lot

Ev'ry song I sing, I'll sing for yous

Ah cool. He'll remember about her while strumming and making "my honey is delicate equally the morning dew" eyes at a waif-y grad educatee in the front end row. That pretty much makes up for information technology all.

And then he demands:

And then kiss me and smile for me

Tell me that y'all'll look for me

After all the betrayal and heartbreak, later on basically revealing himself to be a form-A sleaze who can't be trusted, he however has the gall to tell her to wait? To wait for him?

And here's the kicker:

When I come back, I'll bring your hymeneals ring

Ah yes. He'll put a ring on information technology. Finally.

"Ehhhhhhh...." Photograph via iStock.

Unlike all the previous trips, where he's cheated a billion times, tuckered the family bank business relationship, and only been a general screwup and thwarting.

But yeah. This fourth dimension he says he'll bring back a wedding ring.

I promise she joins a polyamorous octad and never looks back.

five. "When a Man Loves a Woman," Percy Sledge

When you lot await up "soul" in the lexicon, the book plays you a recording of this song.

Percy Sledge, having a few thoughts. Photo by Factor Pugh/Flickr.

Specifically, it plays you lot the very first line.

Hither's why it sound very romantic:

When a human being loves a woman

Sure, you lot can write the lyrics down, just it doesn't even come close to capturing the heartache. The yearning. The delicious, delicious pain-belting:

WHEN A Human being LOVES A Woman

Closer ... but still no.

WHEN A MAAAAAAAN. LOVES A WOOOMAN!

Aye! Sing it, Percy Sledge!

It's an elemental lyric.

Information technology'due south a heart-shattering lyric.

It's a lyric that demands you put your back into it.

It's perfection.

As long as you don't keep listening.

Hither's why the song is really pretty horrifying:

From the opening lines of "When a Man Loves a Adult female," nosotros know that, at least on occasion, a man loves a woman.

Which raises the question: What happens when said man loves said adult female?

He'd give upwardly all his comforts

And slumber out in the rain

If she said that'south the way

It ought to be.

Whoa! OK. No. Back up. A man, no matter how devoted, no thing how selfless, no matter how in dear, needs shelter. Otherwise, a human being volition die of exposure and hypothermia.

Turn his back on his all-time friend if he put her downward.

No! Jeez. No. A homo can't put up with that kind of isolating beliefs. A human being needs friends! Once a human being'south whole support organization erodes out from under him, a man will be bitter, ungrounded, and alone. And a man'southward mental health will deteriorate.

I gave you everything I have

Tryin' to hold on to your heartless love

Baby, please don't care for me bad.

This is non what happens "when a man loves a woman." It's what happens when a human loves a controlling, manipulative adult female. An abusive woman. A woman who, in truth, but loves a woman. Herself.

"It's Chris or me." Photograph past geralt/Pixabay.

And that's not healthy.

Run, Percy Sledge, run! Nosotros're hither for you.

(Side note: Lest it become unsaid, there is way more than than 1 way for a homo to love a woman. Perchance they spend every waking moment cuddling and bopping each other on the nose. Maybe they sleep in separate bedrooms. Perchance they wearing apparel up in large, plush cat costumes and refer to each other Mr. and Mrs. Kittyhawk. And when a homo loves a man, I imagine it feels much the aforementioned. Or when a woman loves a woman. Or when a gender nonconforming person loves a gender nonconforming person.)

Regardless of the depth of delivery, living situation, or combination of genders or sexual orientations, there'due south no one-size-fits-all love solution. Every relationship is a unique snowflake. Diverseness is the spice of life. Necessity is the female parent of invention. At that place's more than than one style to pare a cat. A spoonful of saccharide helps the medicine go down.

It doesn't matter if information technology's the right metaphor, equally long every bit it's a metaphor. Photo by Rosmarie Voegtli/Flickr.

Point being: Generalize at your peril, Sledge. And please, seek assistance! You can do this! And if you ever find yourself in a similar state of affairs, delight give these people a call.

6. "All I Wanna Exercise is Brand Love to You," Centre

Honestly, Centre could sing a list of the most popular AllRecipes ("Jaaaamie's Cranberry Spinach Saaaaalad/World'southward All-time Lasaaaaagna/Sour Creeeeeam Cutouts") and information technology would make me desire to bawl my optics out in the arms of a tall, nighttime stranger at the cease of a pier.

This vocal is perfect. You should ever exist listening to it. If you're not listening to it now, smack yourself in the face and Google it. It's just that important.

I am singing the phone book. You are weeping similar a tiny infant. Photograph past FatCat125/Wikimedia Commons.

So much passion. So much pain. So much hair.

Here's why it sounds romantic:

Over pounding drums and a soaring melody, Heart sisters Nancy and Ann Wilson deliver a central tribute to the one truthful romantic fantasy shared past every living being on Earth: picking up an unnervingly attractive man for i night of mind-blowing sex and and then releasing him dorsum into the wild to bone — but never quite as compellingly ever over again.

They sing:

Information technology was a rainy night when he came into sight

Continuing by the road, no umbrella, no coat

So I pulled up alongside and I offered him a ride

He accepted with a smile so we drove for a while

I don't accept to go along considering you know what happens next, and it's crawly.

"I just sit down in this cabin. Counting the days since. Counting ... the ... days." Photo by Rene Asmussen/Pexels.

Now, here's why this vocal is not romantic at all:

The relationship in "All I Wanna Practise" seems likewise expert to be true. And it is. Because it'south not an equally loving ,or even equally lusty, pairing at all.

It'due south a...

It's a...

Well. Y'all know what it is:

Expert at recognizing no-win situations and delicious with lemon?! Photo past Pikawil/Flickr.

For a while, things are bustling forth merely fine, like whatsoever wholesome, illicit, anonymous matter should:

I didn't enquire him his name, this alone boy in the rain

Fate, tell me it's right, is this love at starting time sight?

Sure, many of us might hesitate to choice upwardly a strange leather-jacket-clad human standing on the side of the route for a no-strings-fastened spiral, only our narrator simply has a feeling nearly this guy, and sometimes, you lot gotta go with your gut.

I can respect that.

Nosotros made magic that night

He did everything right

Slap-up! Seems like information technology was a skilful determination. Bonking the hitchhiker is payin' off large time.

But then, without warning, the song starts to sound less like an all-time great romance and more similar a story men's rights activists tell each other as they vape around a campfire:

I told him "I am the bloom, you are the seed

We walked in the garden, nosotros planted a tree

Don't attempt to find me, please don't y'all dare

Simply live in my retention, yous'll always exist at that place"

I'k non a poet. Symbolic linguistic communication often eludes me. But unless "flower," "seed," "garden," and "tree," all of a sudden mean wildly different things in the context of homo reproduction than they have since sex was first invented in the early-1970s, we're talking about a surprise, non-mutually-consensual pregnancy!

How-do-you-do! Photo by Avsar Aras/Wikimedia Commons.

Of course, metaphors are opaque, interpretations vary, etc., etc., etc. You might be tempted to recollect, "Mayhap Heart meant something else by that."

To that I say, no, they definitely meant it:

And then it happened i day

Nosotros came round the aforementioned way

You tin imagine his surprise

When he saw his own eyes

There are ii possibilities here.

I: The narrator of the song is recently-deceased Jerry Orbach from this creepy New York City subway advertisement from nine years agone:

Photo by eyedonation.org.

Or two: She totally conned a dude into whipping up a baby on the sly.

I said, "Please, delight empathize

Ah, sure. Yeah. No worries.

I'one thousand in love with some other human

Cool, so this all makes sense and is in no manner the nightmarish scheme of a deranged sociopath who has at present wrecked non one simply two lives.

And what he couldn't give me, oh, no

Was the one footling thing that you lot can"

A HUMAN LIFE! A REAL SENTIENT HUMAN LIFE THAT IS NOT INCIDENTAL TO ALL OF THIS!

The best yous can say almost that is that it'due south not technically illegal, and that leather-jacket man probably should have been responsible for his own nativity command. Or, at the very least, asked more questions .

But ... information technology'due south not cute. Information technology'southward not romantic (even the Wilson sisters themselves agree).

And at the finish of the day, the shadiest character in this song is somehow not the rain-soaked hitchhiker wandering to nowhere in the night.

Which... is saying something.

But there is a dear song that is truly, madly, securely perfect. An unassailable rail in a sea of problematic faves.

A vocal that does everything right.

A vocal that paints a portrait of a healthy partnership built to last.

A song that can double as a manual for the platonic human romantic relationship.

And that vocal is...

"Candy Store," by 50 Cent, featuring Olivia

Here's why y'all might be — OK, nearly definitely are — skeptical:

50 Cent (Fifty) and that guy. You lot know, that guy? That guy! Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images.

Every bit tricky as "Processed Shop" is, as fun it is to dance to, and as cathartic as it can be to scream in the middle of a crowded fraternity house at 2 a.one thousand., there's no getting around the fact that the vocal begins like this:

I'll take you to the candy shop

I'll permit yous lick the lollipop

I'll mail that over again, in case you lot missed some of the nuance:

I'll take you to the candy shop

I'll allow you lick the lollipop

Manner to accept one for the team, narrator of "Candy Shop"!

At first glance, "Candy Shop" is nobody's idea of a archetype love song.

The lyrics are ... unusually forward. The trounce is kinda basic. The claw is like the music they play when Abu Nazir sidles scarily past in "Homeland."

OooooOOOOoooooOOOo. GIF from "Homeland."

It doesn't get played much anymore. When it does resurface, information technology feels ... kinda dated. Like watching that DVD of "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Burn down" on your new Xbox 360.

It's not a vocal you'd put on a mixtape for your crush. Information technology's not a song you'd play for your spouse when the kids are at domicile with the bodyguard and you've got nine hours to tear upward the Piscataway Hampton Inn. It's certainly not a song you lot'd include on the video photo montage you made for your grandparents' silver anniversary.

Information technology'southward simply non.

But it should be.

So here it is. Here's why "Candy Shop" past l Cent, featuring Olivia, is actually the perfect relationship song:

You wanna back that thing up or should I push upwardly on information technology? Photograph past ionasnicolae/Pixabay.

The bass drum hits. The MIDI violins whine. The singer starts filling out his fellatio permission slip. It's only been 20 seconds, and you're already getting set to hang it upwards with "Processed Shop."

Only so ... over the square thrum and the mewling strings, a miracle occurs — in the grade of a female voice joining the rails, cutting through the din similar a clarion call.

She sings:

I'll accept you to the candy shop (yeah)

Boy, one taste of what I got (uh-huh)

I'll have y'all spendin' all you got (come up on)

Keep going 'til you striking the spot, whoa

It's mutual! Information technology's mutual! They're performing oral sexual practice on each other!

Band the bells! Bang the drums! Release the doves!

Go, cunnilingus doves, go! Photo by liz westward/Flickr.

fifty Cent himself may not be the world's greatest partner — for instance, co-ordinate to one of his exes, he's washed some pretty unforgivable things.

But the narrator of "Candy Store"? He gets it:

You lot could have it your way, how do yous want it?

Rather than simply imposing his desires on the person he's with — a la the dude in "God But Knows ("I'm going to invest my unabridged sense of self-worth in you!") or the street heckler in "Treasure" ("I'm going to treat you like a breast total of aureate doubloons!") or the sociopath in "All I Wanna Do is Brand Dearest to You," ("I'm going to trick you into knocking me up!") — the "Candy Shop" guy really asks his partner what she wants.

Which, in the earth of popular music, is skillful for virtually fifty,000 trillion points.

And where are they going to practise it? The hotel? Back of the rental? The embankment? The park?

It's whatever you're into

'Cause consent is sexy!

I ain't finished teaching you 'bout how sprung I got ya

The narrator of "Processed Store" is certainly ... assertive nearly his desires.

But hither'due south the key thing: the lady on the receiving end of those desires? She's conspicuously into it. And we know this considering she says and then.

The lines of consent in "Candy Shop" are vivid red, highlighted, and soldered into the weirdly glutinous gild floor.

Meanwhile, Robin Thicke is outside trying to convince the bouncer that his uncle is a lawyer. Photo by Grim23/Wikimedia Commons.

Girl what we do ...

And where we do ...

The things we do ...

Are simply betwixt me and you

No matter how nasty they freak, it will be intimate. It will be individual. In that location will exist no revenge porn (the epilogue to "Blurred Lines," to wit, would definitely exist a protracted, emotionally devastating lawsuit).

If you be a nympho, I'll exist a nympho

Sexual compatibility is key to the survival of whatever relationship, whether years, weeks, or (very peradventure in the case of "Candy Shop") minutes long.

She may take a high sexual activity bulldoze, but dude is graciously offer to accommodate her. What a gentleman! These crazy kids simply might go the altitude afterwards all.

And at the end of the solar day, what is a human relationship only two nymphos, sharing wellness insurance?

Thank you, Obamacare! Photo by Wonderlane/Flickr.

It's like information technology'south a race who could go undressed quicker

Again, everybody is having a great fourth dimension. And, critically, an every bit great time.

I touch the right spot at the right time

Of form, it wouldn't be a pop/hip-hop hit without a spot of random braggadocio, but if we're to accept him at his word, "Candy Shop" guy is at least equally expert at "doing everything right" as the bearding hitchhiker from "All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You" — except without all the creepy surprise babe nonsense.

The "Candy Store" guy is a keeper. Because he's not a hero or a stranger in the nighttime or a funky, shimmering honey god. He'south a good partner.

"Processed Shop" is raunchy. Information technology's dirty. Information technology'southward not your grandmother's dearest song.

But when you strip away the swagger, the dorsum beat, and the weird strings from "All-time of Public Domain Middle Eastern Music 1993," past the end of the song, both people are satisfied. And at the terminate of the day, isn't that what a healthy relationship is all about?

Yes.

Uh-huh.

Photo past Francois Durand/Getty Images.

So seductive.

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Source: https://www.upworthy.com/6-songs-that-seem-romantic-but-arent-and-one-that-seems-like-it-isnt-but-is

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